How to Honor Your Child’s Birth Mother on Mother’s Day and Birth Mom’s Day At Every Stage of Openness
For adoptive families, Mother’s Day can hold a lot of emotions, sometimes multiple at once. Joy, gratitude, grief, uncertainty. Many families have a desire to do something meaningful but there may be an uncertainty and fear of doing it wrong. Honoring her in a way that’s true to your family’s story can be complicated, and the answer looks different for everyone. What you do depends on your relationship with your child's birth mom, your child's age and readiness, and the kind of adoption journey you've had. There's no universal playbook and there is no universal right answer.
This guide is organized around openness, because your level of contact shapes what's possible. Within each section, you'll find ideas by age so you can meet your child exactly where they are.
One more thing: honoring your child's birth mom isn’t necessitated on contact. It doesn't require a grand gesture. And it doesn't have to be perfect. The act of trying and making space for her in your family's story is already meaningful.
Before You Plan Anything, Try This
Put the logistics aside for a moment.
Your child's birth mom is a person, just like you. She’s a full, complicated, feeling human being. She may be thinking about your child today because it’s also her child. She may be wondering if she's thought of. She may be carrying something you'll never fully know.
So before you ask what should I do, try asking a different question: If I were her, how would I want to be honored today? Not as a birth mother. As a person.
Set your ego aside and the worry about doing it wrong, the fear of overstepping, the uncertainty about what's appropriate. Those are your feelings, and they're valid. But they're not hers.
What Is Birth Mom's Day?
Birth Mom's Day is observed the Saturday before Mother's Day each year. It was created specifically to honor birth mothers . It doesn’t have the same mainstream visibility of Mother's Day itself but is widely recognized in the adoption community and offers adoptive families a dedicated moment to acknowledge her role in your child's life.
Some families observe it quietly. Others use it as an anchor for a yearly ritual. Both are valid.
If You Have an Open Adoption
In an open adoption, you have some level of ongoing contact, whether it’s visits, calls, letters, or regular updates. In some way small or large, you know her. This is about honoring that relationship in a way that feels intentional and warm.
Infants and Toddlers
Your child can't participate yet, so you're doing this on their behalf. That’s truly a beautiful thing. Consider sending a photo update or a milestone letter written from your perspective. A handprint or footprint card is something she can keep and return to. A flower bouquet sent to her home, if you have her address, is simple and thoughtful. You're building a record of connection, honoring, and respect that your child will one day understand.
Preschoolers (Ages 3–5)
At this age, kids can be involved in small, tangible ways without needing a full explanation. Let them scribble on a card, choose a sticker, or pick flowers from a garden. Keep it light and hands-on. You don't need to frame it heavily. Frame it in the same way you talk about her every day.
School Age (Ages 6–11)
This is the age where participation becomes genuinely meaningful. Help your child write a few sentences in a card or letter written in their actual words, not a polished version you've edited. Ask them: "What do you want her to know about you right now?" to open up the answers from them. A handmade gift, a photo they chose, or a small item that reflects who they are at this moment can mean more than anything store-bought.
Tweens and Teens
Follow their lead entirely. Some will want to reach out directly with a text, a letter, time together. Others will feel conflicted or disinterested, and that's equally valid. Your job at this stage is to keep the door open without pushing them through it. If they want to plan something like lunch, a walk, a visit, support it. If they don't, let it be.
Ideas that work across ages in open adoption:
Send a flower bouquet if you have her address
Spend time together with lunch, a park visit, a walk, if your relationship and geography allow
A photo book or printed milestone update
Plant something together in her honor. A perennial that comes back each year is a particularly meaningful choice
If You Have a Semi-Open Adoption
In a semi-open adoption, communication typically happens through an agency, intermediary, or agreed-upon channel rather than directly. Honoring her is still possible and what you send may matter more than you realize.
Infants and Toddlers
A letter or photo update sent through your intermediary is a meaningful gesture. You're building a record she may treasure and return to, and that your child may one day want to read. Write it honestly and warmly, as if you were writing to someone who loves your child as much as you do, because she does, even if it’s not always visible.
Preschoolers (Ages 3–5)
Include something small and genuinely theirs like a scribble, a sticker they picked out, a drawing they made without knowing exactly why.
School Age (Ages 6–11)
If your child wants to be involved, invite them to add a sentence or two of their own. Resist the urge to polish it. Her handwriting matters. His misspelling matters. That's the point.
Tweens and Teens
Ask them whether they want to be part of what gets sent. A simple "Would you like to add anything?" is enough. Respect a no without making it feel heavy or like they've let someone down.
Ideas that work across ages in semi-open adoption:
A handwritten letter from you that’s honest, warm, without pressure
A card with a recent photo tucked inside
Seed paper cards
Biodegradable paper boats with a written message set to float on a nearby body of water
If You Have a Closed Adoption or No Current Contact
No contact doesn't mean no honoring. Some of the most meaningful practices in adoptive families happen entirely privately. The ritual belongs fully to your family.
This section may also apply if contact has lapsed, if the relationship is complicated, if your birth mother has passed, or if your child is not yet aware of their adoption story. You know your situation. Take what serves you and leave the rest.
Infants and Toddlers
This one is for you as much as for them. Plant something in your garden and dedicate it quietly to her. Light a candle. Write her a letter and seal it away in your child's memory box as something they can read someday, when they're ready for it.
Preschoolers (Ages 3–5)
If your child is curious and asking questions, a simple, honest response is enough: "We're thinking today about the woman who helped bring you into our family." No elaboration required. You're planting a seed of awareness, not delivering a full explanation.
School Age (Ages 6–11)
Children this age may have genuine feelings they don't have words for yet. If your child wants to participate in some way with a drawing, a letter they may never send, let them. The act of making something matters more than what happens to it afterward.
Tweens and Teens
This is the age when feeling complexity arrives. They may have feelings that surprise both of you. Create space without scripting it. Naming her out loud together, journaling, making something, or simply sitting with the weight of the day can be enough. You don't have to have the right words. You just have to be willing to be present for theirs.
Ideas that work across ages in closed adoption:
Write a reflection letter to her, even knowing it may never be sent. Seal it. Keep it somewhere meaningful
Plant a perennial in her honor, something that comes back on its own each spring
Create a small private ritual your family returns to each year: a candle, a walk, a meal she might have loved
Keep a page in your child's memory box dedicated to her, added to a little each year
A Note on Following Your Child's Lead
You can create the opportunity. You cannot manufacture the feeling.
If your child isn't interested in participating this year, that's information, not failure. Forcing or over-encouraging participation can attach weight and obligation to something that should feel like love. A child who feels pressured to perform gratitude toward someone they've never met, or whose feelings about that person are complicated, is learning something but it’s not what you intended.
What you model all year matters more than what happens on one Saturday in May. The way you speak about their birth mom with honesty, with warmth, without idealization or erasure shapes how this day will feel to them over time.
A Quick Note on Eco-Friendly Choices
A few ideas that circulate this time of year are worth skipping:
Sky lanterns are a fire hazard and create significant litter. They're not a safe or environmentally responsible choice, regardless of how meaningful the imagery feels.
Balloons, including those marketed as biodegradable latex, break down slowly and cause real harm to wildlife and waterways.
Better alternatives that still carry intention are living plants, locally grown flowers, seed paper cards that can be planted after reading, or biodegradable paper boats with a handwritten message released on a calm body of water. These leave something behind in a good way.
In Conclusion
There's no perfect way to do this. There's only the willingness to try. It requires effort to make space in your family's story for someone who is part of it, whether or not she's present in your daily life.
Every gesture, however small, is a deposit into your child's understanding of where they came from and how many people have loved them. That's not a small thing.
However you choose to honor her this year, trust that the effort matters. Your child is watching, not just what you do on this day, but how you hold her in your heart all year long.